I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Randomize
