If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
I haven't seen her in probably 3 months and when she showed up wasted to my house she promptly pulled out her tit
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
