someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
he doesn't have near as many excuses as you..and his are usually pretty legit. like "i'm having a baby." that's pretty legit.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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