I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
try to milk me bitch
She was drunk running in the middle of the street when a cop saw her,picked her up and dropped her off at her house. This really doesn't surprise me.
Randomize
