you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
Let's play, "guess how long my Neighbours have been watching me dance naked".
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
