In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
Just made a makeshift menthol by rolling a listerine strip into a regular cigarette... Poor? Who, me?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
