I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
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