Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
THERE IS A GOAT THERE IS A GOAT IN MY BED IT IS EATING MY THONG WHAT DID YOU DO
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I was really surprised he asked for my number the next morning..... and my name.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
Randomize
