so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
After the VIP Latina experience at the strip club last night, I am rooting for Mexico in this years World Cup.
its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike
you still have morals?
Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
I figured out that he lasts longer when I rap during sex. He made it all the way through "Love the Way you Lie"
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
There's a chance I told a cop that I was ready for him to strip I may have even taken some ones out of my purse and stuck them in his holster
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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