Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Go forth my little lesbian, get your gayme on
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
You just kept looking down at your tits and screaming "I LOVE YOU TWO!!!"
Randomize
