I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
can we not compare my dick to a children’s folk tale
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
Is it awkward to pay for your boob job with scholarship money? Either way, it's happening.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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