The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
i want to platonically make out with them, platonically. in the back of this minivan
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
If you had a good reason for throwing the toaster at the wall, now's a good time to tell someone. My parents are on their way back and you know my dad and his pop tarts.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
