Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Randomize
