There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.
i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.
nothing about this is right.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Admittedly shitfaced... I have two questions. 1)why is the fan in my bathroom on? (Sub-text: is there a ghost?). 2) is your underwear really argyle?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Wish me luck on my new penis adventure
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