She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
Between the dance party in the car and the distraction of the momma bear and two cubs im a cops wet dream roght now when comes to wreckless driving.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
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