This row in front of you is like duck, duck, goose - but eating disorder, eating disorder, failed eating disorder
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I woke up next to her this morning and couldn't remember her name. Luckily, she had written it on my hand so that I could add her on facebook.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
I have one goal now that I am in the USA. To find a man I can fuck into marriage before my visa runs out.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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