There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
