my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
The number of tpain songs that actually relate to my life right now is embarrassing.
I feel like the only way to get him to stop is by telling him i'm tired from fucking our other friend every night this week
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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