It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
oh the usual. high as balls and crying about the hunger games.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
For dinner, I'm having saltines, canned whipped cream, and beer. Are we sure I'm responsible enough for home ownership?
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
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