I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
Hey that girl we tagged team last night invited me to her birthday on Facebook, remind me to be sick that day.
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
I'll just give him your contact info, and you'll somehow manage to get laid. Which will make me feel like your vagina's agent or something.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
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