It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I don't know what she looks like but I'm pretty sure she has a pussy.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
