the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
fond memories of taking my pregnancy test here in this Burger King
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
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