Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
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