im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
She grabbed both of our dicks in the pool then said repeatedly, "this is my dream, this is my dream,"
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
Randomize
