Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
We walked in and the first thing we heard was, "OH SHIT! White chicks!" Naturally, I made some new male friends.
so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
i saved a drunk oompa loompa he was passed out on the lawn and i picked him up figured out where he lived and put him in his bed and wrote his roommate a note
He was a Cher impersonator. They are the draggest of queens
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
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