mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
