Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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