theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
