Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I've never said "lesbians" so many times in a short response answer
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
Randomize