Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You wanna get laid? Be a female for once and stop bending nails to impress guys.
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
