You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I decided to let him keep the rest of my good weed as an "I'm sorry for being a drunk ass ho" consolation prize.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
They were out of soap so you started calling yourself a dirty bitch
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
