Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
We stole some shitttt from king sooper's. fuck yeaaa
what did you steal
frozen pizza, cat litter, and preperation H. not much different than my usual grocery list.
WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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