I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I just bought 7 working mopeds off a guy for $300. We are 60% of the way to our gay biker gang dream.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize