everytime i listen to a chris brown song and like it i feel like i bad person
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
how did i get to the car and why are my shoes broken
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Driving to get a preg test with my ex, wearing my unicorn hat
You are so not ready for motherhood
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
He has an accent when he types. I can *hear* the schnitzel. Especially when he's drunk.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
