Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
