i get turned down more than a collar. where are the desperate bitches i need to crawl to them
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i think i have two assholes
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
