I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
I saw an episode of cops that had one of my ex husbands on it.
Randomize
