Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
He went soft
Wait. During?
Yeah, he was IN. MY. MOUTH.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
I need to see you idiots before I go back to school. But we shouldn't snort Crown Royal this time.
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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