I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I hope a pyrotechnic goes off in your asshole and seals it shut for life.
Me too.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
