Taylor Swift is so right about you.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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