She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
Keeping my bail papers as a souvenir from when I was arrested. Too weird?
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Randomize
