He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
suntimes in life you find a rare opportunity, mine was bonin my gf in front of the tv
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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