You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Why are there sofa cushions on the floor? And why isn't there a sofa in this room that doesn't have cushions?
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Hell hath no fury like a woman whose gay sidekick you insult
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
You should come by for the fire station blow job tour
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
You are attracted to power and since you can't date the married old guy you have to go for the next best thing - his gay son
Adulthood is putting your bongs in the dishwasher because you're too lazy to clean them manually.
Are you ok dude?
Randomize