he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
first off, his name is dougie. strike one.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
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