You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
He just said he wasn't going to drink on Saturday because he was drinking on Thursday and Friday...we need new friends.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
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