I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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