Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
I buy a new bowl every time I get a new guy. It's retail therapy.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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