i think my mom would be mad if i was pregnant. last time i was she grounded me for a week.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
Your ability to eat ass like its your job and yet turn down quinoa because it's "gross" is confusing.
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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