I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Buying beer for freshmen. No matter what they ask for, I'm getting them Colt 45.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
We can talk about your dick in my throat after a decision is made, this is my hair we're talking about. .. shit's important.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He plays guitar, sings like an angel, and acts like a gentleman. If I don't fuck him by the end of first semester, I'm dropping out
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Dude, I'm at a wedding and there's a mashed potato bar and bacon strip appetizers. I'm getting all emotional.
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
Randomize
