My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
You made out with two different species that night
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Hold on I'll be right there, I can't find my arm.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize