The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
