Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
I might be getting fired on this week so the only option i see for tonight is to get smashed and have an orgy. actually this idea might explain why i'm not an ideal employee.
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