o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
It may not have seemed like it to you, but I was very sad that I was cheating on my GF with you. I was crying on the INSIDE.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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