That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
4 words: hood of his car
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Well, she chose the fuckboy life or the life chose her. Not sure which one but either way I don't need that negativity in my life.
Randomize
