im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
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