Correction, I've been on a lot of dates and a lot of dicks
I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.
We're looking for the removeable roof from her Miata. Winner gets a 40.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
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