I wish life had little blips of pornography
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
When you get home there will be live fish in the bathtub. I did not put live fish in the bathtub.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.
You have found the Promised Land of friend zones
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
i just love the holidays, i hotboxed a gingerbread house last night
My New Year's resolution is to chill out on the group sex. At least with my friends anyway.
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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