Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
After pissing all over her van its a lot easier to look her in the eye than I thought.
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
It's now officially the Christmas season, so I have no shame in drinking evernog.
I just had a flashback to us shaking up Gatorade mix and then inhaling it in your kitchen because it was funny. Now I can't stop laughing in work because that is the stupidest shit.
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That married penis I’ve been riding offered to pay off my student loans. I was going to break it off because he has lousy stamina. Is being debt free worth putting up with mediocre sex?
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