Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
I'm just so full of love and alcohol
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
