I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
So many weird people in this class. I can practically taste their unwanted virginities. They taste bad.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
she's the poster child for how alcoholism can be fun.
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
Sober sex is weird like I didn't expect this when I got clean
Randomize