Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
