This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Ok maybe now I get why I'm single I think I just broke a rib pooping
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
My arm is completely dead, never again will i give you a 20 minute hand job. You better have enjoyed that asshole. I have to text with my left hand now.
Randomize
