The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Omg this is like trying to sleep on a pile of ballsacks.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
How does one un superglue their foot to the floor
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
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