i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
best way to lose double chin? blow jobs. I am fucking hurting.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
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