we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
there's a lady drinking out of a red cup in class. HAPPY FRIDAY
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
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