My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?
Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her
oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Doing lines of coke through pieces of licorice. Because I can
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"
You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?
I was worried he'd break you after the hiatus your lady parts had to take from social interaction.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
Randomize
