Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
Randomize
