why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Randomize
