Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
