just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
I FOUND AN AUSTRALIAN THEY CALL VOMMING 'RAINBOW SNEEZING' I'M NEVER LETTING HIM LEAVE EVER
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I was told i took a shot doing a headstand in the backseat then proceeded to barf all over my face
I had no idea you were so talented.
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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