Can i not drive my cunt home
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
he spent an hour trying to rescue a bug from the sink. turned out to be a sesame seed.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
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