Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
I'm getting very good at recycling my hook ups. So even though i'm having more sex... I'm the same amount of slutty.
Yes! I like to call that picking from the buffet!
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Going to the bathroom drunk while wearing overalls is such a struggle
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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