I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
He listens to me complain and in return I send him naked pictures. It's a win win situation
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
