He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
Randomize
