Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
This drive is very scenic
And I'm chugging whiskey in the back
As you should, soak in all this country has to offer
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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