This dress was meant to end up on your floor
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
just threw up nine times in the shower.. solid night last night.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
