living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
Houston, we have a problem
where are u?
Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
Why can't burritos get me drunk
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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