made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
Why do I have this feeling like this is heading in a slightly threesome-y direction
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
